Logan, Six months tomorrow

I am sad, yet so happy. Logan is six months old. Wow! Where did half a year go so fast? It flewwwwww....... He gives high fives, bonks, laughs! Smiles, rolls every where! Scoots around every where and in circles, Push up move :) Crawls! Yes, he is so smart. SOOO smart. He is learning where our noses are, how to give loves, and clap. I love him. So much. Rory loves him so much too! We are so happy with our perfect baby boy. Life is so crazy. It is so crazy how things make YOU. Logan, he made us even happier. Our hearts were so filled with sunshine and love before he came in, and I didn't think it could get better, now our hearts our filled with never ending rays of sun shines, heaps of love and hugs and kisses, and loads of happiness. I know I talk about how blessed I am to have Rory and Logan and my family, but I really am. I am proud, and happy. I have been through things that I wish I didn't, I went through a lot of pain and hurt, but where I am at now, and who I am now, just made those times so much more worth it. Rory and I's friend just went through their second miscarriage since Logan has been born. They have been great friends and they deserve the happiness a baby can bring and it breaks my heart that that blessing hasn't been given to them yet. I know things happen at the best time possible, but it isn't fair that they are going through this one to many times. I truly wish them the best, I know everything will work out perfectly in the end. I sit here tonight and I think about a lot of things. I am so happy, so blessed and I could not ask for more, but there is a part of my heart that hurts still. The part that is aching for my dad. I feel like I need to kind of express my self about that a little. It has been a LONG time since I actually acknowledged my feelings about it. I keep them in becuase really, it gets me no where talking about it and bringing up all the pain again. I guess though, it is better to let it out time to time. Here goes nothing.

It has been almost 9 years since the hardest part of my life began. I had such a great life. I was young and so happy. Til it hit me, my dad was no longer the same dad I was used to. My dad was a drug addict. I never wanted to say that, or think that, until the day my dads house burned to the ground. It truly hit me. My dad is losing everything he has. I was young. No 11 year old should have to force them selves to see that they are losing their dad, slowly each day. But I had too. How unfair for me. The thought of losing my dad consumed my head daily. 90% of my day was spent worrying about my dad. It should be the other way around. Why was I the one stressing about this? I put my self into a deep black hole. The light at the end of the tunnel was gone, completely. I couldn't see my way out. I was in more pain than ever. I was also just hitting the teen years, and those could not have been easier on me. I had no true friends to turn too, I was always being teased in school. There was no way out of the pain for me. Of coarse I had my mom and my other family members, but I was to stubborn to see the love they had for me. I was extremely depressed. I was 12 years old and thinking of ways to just leave the world behind. I would have rather been gone and dead than deal with the pain. It was gut wrenching. I began cutting my self. I would cut deeper and deeper each attempt. Why was a 12 year old girl doing this to her self? Mostly just to hurt my self, but I know now that a small part of that was a call for help. A call to my dad, "Look at the pain you are causing me dad, I am bleeding for you, is this enough for you to quit?" That didn't work. Instead he blamed every one else for my depression, mainly my mom. I found that funny because my mom was the only one I had to turn to, because of him. I had no care for my self, and that was when I realized he didn't either. He only cared about his next high. I know he never stopped loving me, but I know I was no longer on his priority list. I was not sleeping at night, and when I did sleep my head was filled with nightmares of my dad dying. After going through this for the next few years, even with the attempts of my mom doing what she could to try and help me, I just cared less about my self. When I hit the age of 14, I met Rory. Rory made me feel good about my self. With the help of my mom, and Rory, I am not who I am today. I am so thankful. My dad is not a bad dad, he is just sick. He has a terrible disease, addiction. I realize now that I have to take care of my self, and my own family. I love my dad so much, I care about him so much, but worrying won't get me anywhere. I know I probably won't see the day of my dad being sober again, but that is okay. I hate that Logan will never get to know that dad I knew, but atleast Logan can get to know him now. I see that having my family and having Rory was a stepping stone for me. I know some day I will meet my dad again, hopefully a reallllyyyy long time for both of us, in a much better place where he won't need drugs to feel better.
This part of my life was very dark and I hate going back there, but I realize it is worst to keep the sad feelings in, instead of letting them out. I do not hate my dad, I have anger towards him doing what he did, but I love my dad so much and nothing would ever change that. I know there are reasons for what he did, and I can not judge him for that. I am happy I still have him here for me to see. I am happy he is alive, and living.

Ohhh gee. I actually feel happy I got this out. I am just so thankful for what I have become. Even though I have been through a tough time, I know there are worst things that could happen. I know that my mom did so much for me, and still does. I am so thankful for her. I am so thankful for Rory, and all he does for me. He makes me so happy. I am so thankful for Logan and for him being more perfect than I thought was possible. I am thankful for my dad, and I love him so much.

Off to bed now.