Logan, Six months tomorrow

I am sad, yet so happy. Logan is six months old. Wow! Where did half a year go so fast? It flewwwwww....... He gives high fives, bonks, laughs! Smiles, rolls every where! Scoots around every where and in circles, Push up move :) Crawls! Yes, he is so smart. SOOO smart. He is learning where our noses are, how to give loves, and clap. I love him. So much. Rory loves him so much too! We are so happy with our perfect baby boy. Life is so crazy. It is so crazy how things make YOU. Logan, he made us even happier. Our hearts were so filled with sunshine and love before he came in, and I didn't think it could get better, now our hearts our filled with never ending rays of sun shines, heaps of love and hugs and kisses, and loads of happiness. I know I talk about how blessed I am to have Rory and Logan and my family, but I really am. I am proud, and happy. I have been through things that I wish I didn't, I went through a lot of pain and hurt, but where I am at now, and who I am now, just made those times so much more worth it. Rory and I's friend just went through their second miscarriage since Logan has been born. They have been great friends and they deserve the happiness a baby can bring and it breaks my heart that that blessing hasn't been given to them yet. I know things happen at the best time possible, but it isn't fair that they are going through this one to many times. I truly wish them the best, I know everything will work out perfectly in the end. I sit here tonight and I think about a lot of things. I am so happy, so blessed and I could not ask for more, but there is a part of my heart that hurts still. The part that is aching for my dad. I feel like I need to kind of express my self about that a little. It has been a LONG time since I actually acknowledged my feelings about it. I keep them in becuase really, it gets me no where talking about it and bringing up all the pain again. I guess though, it is better to let it out time to time. Here goes nothing.

It has been almost 9 years since the hardest part of my life began. I had such a great life. I was young and so happy. Til it hit me, my dad was no longer the same dad I was used to. My dad was a drug addict. I never wanted to say that, or think that, until the day my dads house burned to the ground. It truly hit me. My dad is losing everything he has. I was young. No 11 year old should have to force them selves to see that they are losing their dad, slowly each day. But I had too. How unfair for me. The thought of losing my dad consumed my head daily. 90% of my day was spent worrying about my dad. It should be the other way around. Why was I the one stressing about this? I put my self into a deep black hole. The light at the end of the tunnel was gone, completely. I couldn't see my way out. I was in more pain than ever. I was also just hitting the teen years, and those could not have been easier on me. I had no true friends to turn too, I was always being teased in school. There was no way out of the pain for me. Of coarse I had my mom and my other family members, but I was to stubborn to see the love they had for me. I was extremely depressed. I was 12 years old and thinking of ways to just leave the world behind. I would have rather been gone and dead than deal with the pain. It was gut wrenching. I began cutting my self. I would cut deeper and deeper each attempt. Why was a 12 year old girl doing this to her self? Mostly just to hurt my self, but I know now that a small part of that was a call for help. A call to my dad, "Look at the pain you are causing me dad, I am bleeding for you, is this enough for you to quit?" That didn't work. Instead he blamed every one else for my depression, mainly my mom. I found that funny because my mom was the only one I had to turn to, because of him. I had no care for my self, and that was when I realized he didn't either. He only cared about his next high. I know he never stopped loving me, but I know I was no longer on his priority list. I was not sleeping at night, and when I did sleep my head was filled with nightmares of my dad dying. After going through this for the next few years, even with the attempts of my mom doing what she could to try and help me, I just cared less about my self. When I hit the age of 14, I met Rory. Rory made me feel good about my self. With the help of my mom, and Rory, I am not who I am today. I am so thankful. My dad is not a bad dad, he is just sick. He has a terrible disease, addiction. I realize now that I have to take care of my self, and my own family. I love my dad so much, I care about him so much, but worrying won't get me anywhere. I know I probably won't see the day of my dad being sober again, but that is okay. I hate that Logan will never get to know that dad I knew, but atleast Logan can get to know him now. I see that having my family and having Rory was a stepping stone for me. I know some day I will meet my dad again, hopefully a reallllyyyy long time for both of us, in a much better place where he won't need drugs to feel better.
This part of my life was very dark and I hate going back there, but I realize it is worst to keep the sad feelings in, instead of letting them out. I do not hate my dad, I have anger towards him doing what he did, but I love my dad so much and nothing would ever change that. I know there are reasons for what he did, and I can not judge him for that. I am happy I still have him here for me to see. I am happy he is alive, and living.

Ohhh gee. I actually feel happy I got this out. I am just so thankful for what I have become. Even though I have been through a tough time, I know there are worst things that could happen. I know that my mom did so much for me, and still does. I am so thankful for her. I am so thankful for Rory, and all he does for me. He makes me so happy. I am so thankful for Logan and for him being more perfect than I thought was possible. I am thankful for my dad, and I love him so much.

Off to bed now.

Loving Life :)

LOVE these two pictures, love my boys!

Logan is five and a half months now :) He gives high fives, low fives, gets our nose, sits up on his own, walks with support, plays bonk, scoots, rolls every where and guess what! He started crawling tonight! We are so proud of him. Of coarse he only went once or twice, but he actually did it! He amazes us so much! Rory gave me my birthday/Christmas present early since he got his early :) He got me the 18 megapixel Canol T2i. It is an AMAZING camera! I can't wait for my next shoot to use it. I got asked to do the Highschools Winter Formal dance pictures. I am stoked and so proud of my self. Rory and I reorganized our room, it looks great! I am so excited for Thanksgiving. I love the holidays and getting together with family! Next month Rorys cousin Brixton comes home from his mission. He left before Rory and I got married, so he has never met Logan. We are so excited to see him! Tonight we went to Olive Garden with my family. It is nice to just be with them. Tonight I was filling out Logans baby book and realized how blessed I really am. I am amazed with what I actually have. My family. They are the most understanding, caring, helpful people ever. Especially my mom. She would drop her life to help the ones she loves most. My husband. He always puts me and Logan first. He cares about me, really. He cares if I am feeling down. He loves me. A lot. I know some days I am the biggest brat to him, and he solely takes it, and gives me a hug and makes every thing better. My baby boy, Logan. He is so smart. So handsome and so perfect. He is healthy. I can't believe how much we love him. He has brightened our already perfect lives. My self. I make me happy. I am proud of where I am at. I worked hard to be who I am. I love photography. I love being a small part of some ones life and capturing memories that will forever be cherished by them. I love being the mom I am. I know I do everything I can for Logan and I know I would do whatever it takes to give him a great life like I did. I love being the wife I am. I know I have and still do make mistakes and I get raunchy and rude to Rory, but I also know that I make him happy. The fact that he is happy makes me happy. He made me who I am today. I love my life and I cherish what I have. There are times when I am down and some things are just not fitting in place, but time keeps going so I have to figure out how to keep going to. I do that with the help of all of my family. Rory, Logan, my mom and every one else. Reily has been coming home from school lately really sad and upset because she is getting teased. I dreaded this day. I my self was teased all through middle school. There was no escape, kids are mean, but the fact that one of my baby sisters is being hurt kills me. My mom has not been feeling so well lately, so I went into her school after hours a few days ago and talked about it to her teacher. She is going to help Reily. Luckily, the girl that has been physcially hurting Reily, was suspended for hurting someone else as well. Hopefully it will teach her a lesson, but if it doesn't, I don't know how long I can hold my anger in on this girl. The other kids have been teasing her, and hurting her emotionally. Kids are so cruel these days. Bullying is such a problem. I hate that Reily HAS to go to school every day and instead of learning she is being teased. I hope it gets better for her. Anyways, I forgot to add, Logan now has four teeth. He is getting so big! Well, off I go!

Busy month!

Photos I took when we saw Austin the first time.

I love this picture!

110 pounds. Always be happy with your self, but strive to get to what will make you happiest!

Hoffman clan!

Hubby and son :)

My perfect family.

Logan is now five months. He can sit up by him self, roll from back to stomach and stomach to back, he can dance, and walk with our support. He now has THREE teeth! Yes 3! He can play bonk :) He is so smart. SOOOO SMART! We love him so much. We are so proud of Logan. We are also so proud of our selves and how far we have come. We are great parents, and so in love with eachother. Life is wonderful and I could not be happier with where we are at. I weigh 110 pounds and wear a size 1/2 jean and XS shirt. Woah. I never thought I would be this small again in my life. Here I am now though! I am so happy with my body. 5 pounds til my goal weight. I am not saying I was ever fat. I am saying that I was not happy with where I was at, and I am now. Every one has their own place that makes them happy. Their own decisions that they choose to make which leads to their own consequences. Whether they be good consequences or bad. I feel like what I chose led to me to a happy place. I am happy with my body, my attitude, my self. Rory on the other hand, he would be happy if I weighed 300 pounds and was balding. He loves me for me. That is what makes me the happiest. I have an amazing husband, best friend and father for my child. What more could I ask for? Halloween was a lot of fun. I went and did a family shoot for Rorys family the morning of saturday, than that night we went and visited family with Logans cute costume on and Sunday we invited Conley and Brandie over for some 21! We had a lot of fun. We are going to Wendover on Sunday with them and my mom. Rory and I decided he could go spend some time on the floor gambeling and I would stay in the suite ( my mom gets comped free suites! :) ) with Logan than we would go hot tubbing or swimming. Austin is now back in Cali. It was so good to see my brother safe and sound. He had a lot of stories to tell and it was great to have him finally meet Logan. Now that October is over, I could sit back and relax for a day :), Mayyybbee. Well, Rory and I went and got an Iphone. We love it yes! We have two phones now which is nice. My endoscopy results came back. I do have some ulcers, but those are not to serious, and I have a problem in my esophagus with some allergens. Interesting yes! Anyways, we are off to hang out. Adios world!