Logan, Six months tomorrow

I am sad, yet so happy. Logan is six months old. Wow! Where did half a year go so fast? It flewwwwww....... He gives high fives, bonks, laughs! Smiles, rolls every where! Scoots around every where and in circles, Push up move :) Crawls! Yes, he is so smart. SOOO smart. He is learning where our noses are, how to give loves, and clap. I love him. So much. Rory loves him so much too! We are so happy with our perfect baby boy. Life is so crazy. It is so crazy how things make YOU. Logan, he made us even happier. Our hearts were so filled with sunshine and love before he came in, and I didn't think it could get better, now our hearts our filled with never ending rays of sun shines, heaps of love and hugs and kisses, and loads of happiness. I know I talk about how blessed I am to have Rory and Logan and my family, but I really am. I am proud, and happy. I have been through things that I wish I didn't, I went through a lot of pain and hurt, but where I am at now, and who I am now, just made those times so much more worth it. Rory and I's friend just went through their second miscarriage since Logan has been born. They have been great friends and they deserve the happiness a baby can bring and it breaks my heart that that blessing hasn't been given to them yet. I know things happen at the best time possible, but it isn't fair that they are going through this one to many times. I truly wish them the best, I know everything will work out perfectly in the end. I sit here tonight and I think about a lot of things. I am so happy, so blessed and I could not ask for more, but there is a part of my heart that hurts still. The part that is aching for my dad. I feel like I need to kind of express my self about that a little. It has been a LONG time since I actually acknowledged my feelings about it. I keep them in becuase really, it gets me no where talking about it and bringing up all the pain again. I guess though, it is better to let it out time to time. Here goes nothing.

It has been almost 9 years since the hardest part of my life began. I had such a great life. I was young and so happy. Til it hit me, my dad was no longer the same dad I was used to. My dad was a drug addict. I never wanted to say that, or think that, until the day my dads house burned to the ground. It truly hit me. My dad is losing everything he has. I was young. No 11 year old should have to force them selves to see that they are losing their dad, slowly each day. But I had too. How unfair for me. The thought of losing my dad consumed my head daily. 90% of my day was spent worrying about my dad. It should be the other way around. Why was I the one stressing about this? I put my self into a deep black hole. The light at the end of the tunnel was gone, completely. I couldn't see my way out. I was in more pain than ever. I was also just hitting the teen years, and those could not have been easier on me. I had no true friends to turn too, I was always being teased in school. There was no way out of the pain for me. Of coarse I had my mom and my other family members, but I was to stubborn to see the love they had for me. I was extremely depressed. I was 12 years old and thinking of ways to just leave the world behind. I would have rather been gone and dead than deal with the pain. It was gut wrenching. I began cutting my self. I would cut deeper and deeper each attempt. Why was a 12 year old girl doing this to her self? Mostly just to hurt my self, but I know now that a small part of that was a call for help. A call to my dad, "Look at the pain you are causing me dad, I am bleeding for you, is this enough for you to quit?" That didn't work. Instead he blamed every one else for my depression, mainly my mom. I found that funny because my mom was the only one I had to turn to, because of him. I had no care for my self, and that was when I realized he didn't either. He only cared about his next high. I know he never stopped loving me, but I know I was no longer on his priority list. I was not sleeping at night, and when I did sleep my head was filled with nightmares of my dad dying. After going through this for the next few years, even with the attempts of my mom doing what she could to try and help me, I just cared less about my self. When I hit the age of 14, I met Rory. Rory made me feel good about my self. With the help of my mom, and Rory, I am not who I am today. I am so thankful. My dad is not a bad dad, he is just sick. He has a terrible disease, addiction. I realize now that I have to take care of my self, and my own family. I love my dad so much, I care about him so much, but worrying won't get me anywhere. I know I probably won't see the day of my dad being sober again, but that is okay. I hate that Logan will never get to know that dad I knew, but atleast Logan can get to know him now. I see that having my family and having Rory was a stepping stone for me. I know some day I will meet my dad again, hopefully a reallllyyyy long time for both of us, in a much better place where he won't need drugs to feel better.
This part of my life was very dark and I hate going back there, but I realize it is worst to keep the sad feelings in, instead of letting them out. I do not hate my dad, I have anger towards him doing what he did, but I love my dad so much and nothing would ever change that. I know there are reasons for what he did, and I can not judge him for that. I am happy I still have him here for me to see. I am happy he is alive, and living.

Ohhh gee. I actually feel happy I got this out. I am just so thankful for what I have become. Even though I have been through a tough time, I know there are worst things that could happen. I know that my mom did so much for me, and still does. I am so thankful for her. I am so thankful for Rory, and all he does for me. He makes me so happy. I am so thankful for Logan and for him being more perfect than I thought was possible. I am thankful for my dad, and I love him so much.

Off to bed now.

Loving Life :)

LOVE these two pictures, love my boys!

Logan is five and a half months now :) He gives high fives, low fives, gets our nose, sits up on his own, walks with support, plays bonk, scoots, rolls every where and guess what! He started crawling tonight! We are so proud of him. Of coarse he only went once or twice, but he actually did it! He amazes us so much! Rory gave me my birthday/Christmas present early since he got his early :) He got me the 18 megapixel Canol T2i. It is an AMAZING camera! I can't wait for my next shoot to use it. I got asked to do the Highschools Winter Formal dance pictures. I am stoked and so proud of my self. Rory and I reorganized our room, it looks great! I am so excited for Thanksgiving. I love the holidays and getting together with family! Next month Rorys cousin Brixton comes home from his mission. He left before Rory and I got married, so he has never met Logan. We are so excited to see him! Tonight we went to Olive Garden with my family. It is nice to just be with them. Tonight I was filling out Logans baby book and realized how blessed I really am. I am amazed with what I actually have. My family. They are the most understanding, caring, helpful people ever. Especially my mom. She would drop her life to help the ones she loves most. My husband. He always puts me and Logan first. He cares about me, really. He cares if I am feeling down. He loves me. A lot. I know some days I am the biggest brat to him, and he solely takes it, and gives me a hug and makes every thing better. My baby boy, Logan. He is so smart. So handsome and so perfect. He is healthy. I can't believe how much we love him. He has brightened our already perfect lives. My self. I make me happy. I am proud of where I am at. I worked hard to be who I am. I love photography. I love being a small part of some ones life and capturing memories that will forever be cherished by them. I love being the mom I am. I know I do everything I can for Logan and I know I would do whatever it takes to give him a great life like I did. I love being the wife I am. I know I have and still do make mistakes and I get raunchy and rude to Rory, but I also know that I make him happy. The fact that he is happy makes me happy. He made me who I am today. I love my life and I cherish what I have. There are times when I am down and some things are just not fitting in place, but time keeps going so I have to figure out how to keep going to. I do that with the help of all of my family. Rory, Logan, my mom and every one else. Reily has been coming home from school lately really sad and upset because she is getting teased. I dreaded this day. I my self was teased all through middle school. There was no escape, kids are mean, but the fact that one of my baby sisters is being hurt kills me. My mom has not been feeling so well lately, so I went into her school after hours a few days ago and talked about it to her teacher. She is going to help Reily. Luckily, the girl that has been physcially hurting Reily, was suspended for hurting someone else as well. Hopefully it will teach her a lesson, but if it doesn't, I don't know how long I can hold my anger in on this girl. The other kids have been teasing her, and hurting her emotionally. Kids are so cruel these days. Bullying is such a problem. I hate that Reily HAS to go to school every day and instead of learning she is being teased. I hope it gets better for her. Anyways, I forgot to add, Logan now has four teeth. He is getting so big! Well, off I go!

Busy month!

Photos I took when we saw Austin the first time.

I love this picture!

110 pounds. Always be happy with your self, but strive to get to what will make you happiest!

Hoffman clan!

Hubby and son :)

My perfect family.

Logan is now five months. He can sit up by him self, roll from back to stomach and stomach to back, he can dance, and walk with our support. He now has THREE teeth! Yes 3! He can play bonk :) He is so smart. SOOOO SMART! We love him so much. We are so proud of Logan. We are also so proud of our selves and how far we have come. We are great parents, and so in love with eachother. Life is wonderful and I could not be happier with where we are at. I weigh 110 pounds and wear a size 1/2 jean and XS shirt. Woah. I never thought I would be this small again in my life. Here I am now though! I am so happy with my body. 5 pounds til my goal weight. I am not saying I was ever fat. I am saying that I was not happy with where I was at, and I am now. Every one has their own place that makes them happy. Their own decisions that they choose to make which leads to their own consequences. Whether they be good consequences or bad. I feel like what I chose led to me to a happy place. I am happy with my body, my attitude, my self. Rory on the other hand, he would be happy if I weighed 300 pounds and was balding. He loves me for me. That is what makes me the happiest. I have an amazing husband, best friend and father for my child. What more could I ask for? Halloween was a lot of fun. I went and did a family shoot for Rorys family the morning of saturday, than that night we went and visited family with Logans cute costume on and Sunday we invited Conley and Brandie over for some 21! We had a lot of fun. We are going to Wendover on Sunday with them and my mom. Rory and I decided he could go spend some time on the floor gambeling and I would stay in the suite ( my mom gets comped free suites! :) ) with Logan than we would go hot tubbing or swimming. Austin is now back in Cali. It was so good to see my brother safe and sound. He had a lot of stories to tell and it was great to have him finally meet Logan. Now that October is over, I could sit back and relax for a day :), Mayyybbee. Well, Rory and I went and got an Iphone. We love it yes! We have two phones now which is nice. My endoscopy results came back. I do have some ulcers, but those are not to serious, and I have a problem in my esophagus with some allergens. Interesting yes! Anyways, we are off to hang out. Adios world!

Safe and sound, finally!

One of the many pictures I got of Leeanns family

Rory the amazing hubs, Logan the sweetest baby and my self

Logan eating bananas, first time with jarred foods :)

Yea, had one of my up. We got colored contacts, which I think look pretty neat!

Hahah what a cutie!

My brother Austin is finally safe and sound. He was deployed to Afghanistan earlier in the year. He is now oficially home in California, and we will be seeing him tomorrow morning! We are extatic. My brother is a true hero. He risked his life so we could have our freedom. I am so proud of him. It will be the first time Austin will meet Logan and his other new nephew Knox. I am so excited. So I went and did my sisters family pictures on saturday. We drove up a very pretty canyon. I had lots of fun and the pictures turned out great. I am doing a childs birthday party shoot on saturday, as well as another child shoot saturday morning, than my sisters cousin in laws pictures. I can't wait. Logan is just about 5 months old, wow time freaken flies! He sits up on his own now, what a big boy! He is so advanced for his age. He plays peek a boo. Cutest thing ever. Him and Dad are the cutest boys ever. I am so proud of my little and big family. Anyways, I am now in a size 2 jeans. W00t W00t! I am cutting and dying my hair tomorrow. I am so excited for halloween. Rory and I are going to be vampires and Logan is a little tiger :) We will have the best costumes and I WILL post pictures. I better get to bed, we have to be at the airport pretty early. Good bye!

Logan is four months old!

Rory was Jareds best man, this was after the wedding. Logans first taste of cereal :)

He loves bath time!

Prettiest boy eyes ever!

At the wedding, he did so good! And he looked so handsome, as well as his daddy!

Our little man is now four months old. We took him and got his shots, so sad :(. He is so tall and smart and soooo handsome! He has two teeth, and two more coming in. He can roll both ways, just a little trouble rolling from back to tummy, but the fact that he can even do it is great because most babies can not do it til closer to six months. Dr. Oneida said he is functioning at about a 9 month old level. Awesome! Marci and Jareds wedding was a hit. Lot's of fun! We started Logan on rice cereal before he goes to bed and he loves it. I am planning on breast feeding til he is one so he can get the ful beneficals of it. He is a stud! We love him lots. Tomorrow we are doing my sisters family shoot which I am excited about. Gives her a chance to get a break from school and have nice family time. She has started Pharmacy school and it is hard! You can tell she is stressed and it is sad to see, but she is doing great. I am so proud of her, proud of all of my family and Rory and Logan. They have so much to show for their lifes and acheivements. I am blessed. We are also planning to go see my other sister Julie and her family. I am 2 pounds from 110. Yipee! I am planning on maintaining my weight and keeping it at 100 pounds. I am so happy with my body now, but I will be that much happier. Plus, I promised Rory I would stop at 100 lol. We decided to be vampires for halloween. We are buying colored contacts and false teeth and dressing normal, maybe a little edgy clothes. Logan is going to be a Lion, super cute! I go in next month for another endoscopy to check my liver and all of that good stuff. Sounds fun huh? We are going to the Swap Meet this weekend with Conley and Brandie, that should be fun. I still can not believe Logan is four months and a week. Holy cow! Got a family shoot on the 23rd which I am excited about, and a maternity the next day. Also doing my other sisters pictures for her little kids next weekend and another maternity next month. Woo. Well, I am off to finish laundry and dishes. Adios!

Two teeth, huge fire and numerous hospital visits!

This has been one adventerous week! As I have said, Logan began teething last month, but this week his first TWO!!!, yes I said two, teeth came in in two days! He is miserable but he is doing better. Than, I had a horrible pain in my tummy so I went into the ER, turns out my liver is messed up. My enzyme level should be at about 50-100, it is at a 500. They sent me home with an antibitioc and told me to get an appt for a scope in my tummy, went home and it got worst with a high fever. Went back in and had to stay the night. Hopefully this works out, I will have to get a camera shoved down my throat to see what is going on. Also, the mountain right next to our house is on fire. HUGE fire. It is spreading fast. I got some nifty pictures of it too! Well, off to cuddle Logan. Good night :)

Love Laughing with Rory

:) He always makes me laugh so hard. We just laughed so hard my tummy hurts. Speaking of laughing, Logan can do it now! Him and Rory are sitting here talking and copying eachother and he thinks it is the funniest thing ever! He loves his dad, it is so sweet. Rory can get him to fall asleep by singing to him. Logan is getting so big. He is almost sitting by him self. Today we are going to get my pants, Miss Me jeans. Yay! Had to go shopping again because none of my clothes fit. I am down to a size 27 (3-4) jeans and small shirt. 117lbs, I feel pretty good! Tomorrow we are having our friends over which should be pretty fun. Jared is getting married next week, finally lol. Oh my gosh, Logan is so cute, he is just chatting with his dad over here. I love it. He is sleeping through most of the night now. He wakes up at 1 than sleeps til 6 or 7. I am glad lol. I am just about finished with my second course for photography. It was hard, but so fun to learn all the things I needed to to improve my photos, and they did imencely. Sunday we are going to the fair with Conley and Brandie. I am excited. Rory and I were just talking last night about how happy we are with where life has gone for us. We could not imagine life with out eachother and Logan. He has brought so much joy to us. We love doing everything as a family. We don't get to do a lot of the things we used to, but its a sacrifice worth losing, because we have so much more fun doing things as a family. I love my family. Well I am off to hang out with Logan and Rory! Bye!